2006-06-26
27.The Wife Of Brian
Labels: Captain Beefheart, climbing, Frank Zappa, garden, James Joyce Museum love, masturbation, Photoshop, Postcard records, Twinks and Bears, Ultra-Luminous Infra-Red Starburst Galaxy 19 comments
I thought it was about time I officially introduced you all to my partner Brian. We met on the internet five years ago on a discussion forum, and fell in love with each other's words long before we knew what the other looked like. When at last we met in Real Life, it was like finally coming home after long journeys through hostile territory.
I know I keep referring to myself as "The Wife Of"; that's just because it sounds very Peter Greenaway. In fact we've been planning to get married for a couple of years but are waiting until we can afford the kind of do we want.
This is Brian when he won a Bonny Baby competition. Owwwwww!!! I want to eat him all up!
Self-portrait aged 15. Mean and moody OR WHAT?!!! I was 18 at this time and had just lost my virginity. Oh had I known that he was but thirty miles up the M1 Motorway. I would have been STRAIGHT round there to corrupt him. PHWOAR!!!
Self-portrait aged 16, after having just decorated his room. PHWOAR!!!
Self-portrait aged 19 at Newcastle University and still a virgin. I used to go to Newcastle in the early eighties, when this was taken. We may have walked past one another on the street once and never known what was in store for us. Mind you, I was into clubbing and the Factory and Postcard record scenes at this time, so I probably would have turned my snotty little nose up at a scruffy Motorhead fan.
(Update: Bry has just reminded me that he lost his virginity at 18 during his first week at Uni. Tsk. We'd be no good on Mr and Mrs would we!)
Self-portrait, 1981. Aged 19, wandering lonely as a cloud in a field.
Self-portrait, 1982. Aged 20 and STILL not been nabbed by a woman. What a WASTE! Sheesh! Brian took this just after he'd had a wank in a field.
1982. Bry's flatmate took this after Brian got out the shower. He says he had never been so hungover in his life.
Self-portrait 1983, aged 21. Just about the most gorgeous young man I never had a chance to set eyes upon.
1983. Soloing Peg Crack at Ilkley (HVS) before the holds were chipped into place on the route by some naughty rock vandal.
1986. Soloing First Sister at Stanage (VS) in his "Shit Hot" T-Shirt.
2001. Burbage North. Please excuse the poor quality photograph but this is very special to me; it was taken the first day Brian and I met in Real Life after sixth months of online friendship. We both fell in love the second we laid eyes on one another. This happens also to be the occasion of the first "Rocktalk picnic." where a few of us from the climbing forum met up to go climbing, drink tea and eat sandwiches. Picnics are still going today, five years later :)
Staithes, 2002. Brian and I had our first proper weekend alone together in Staithes, North Yorkshire. He made love to me fifteen times in two days and nights. The fact that we actually counted is a bit pathetic but hey, when you're madly in love you go, like, crazy, man.
2002. The Porterhouse, Dublin. Madly in love.
2002. Sandycove near Dublin. We had just been to The James Joyce Museum, which is located in one of the Martello towers built to withstand invasion by Napoleon, and was the setting for the first chapter of "Ulysses".
Brian leading Lancet Crack, Brimham (VS5a), 2003.
Photographer: Simon Jacques.
Brian before he had his hair cut, summer 2005.
Brian after his hair cut.
Brian after I liquidised him in Photoshop to make him look like a cute and cuddly devil.
Hmmm. Not really very Brian. My son Jasper who is ten said Brian looked like a Mexican.
Bry in my studio, December 2007:
Here are my top 20 reasons for why I like and love Brian:
1) He never loses his temper.
2) He makes perfect poached eggs, the way I like them, with the whites well cooked and the yolks verging on gelatinous.
3) He writes far higher quality poetry than I (some examples of which I will be posting soon.)
4) He knows the difference between a Blue Compact Starburst Galaxy and an Ultra-Luminous Infra-Red Starburst Galaxy.
5) He designs and makes beautiful furniture out of logs he has found in the woods at the bottom of our garden.
6) On a Sunday morning he will come back upstairs after feeding the cats and say things like: "Would you like another cup of tea in bed, to be left alone to read your book, or for me to masturbate over your breasts, darling?"
7) He never gets road rage whilst driving.
8) He tells me I'm gorgeous and that he loves me every day.
9) He is never jealous of me and is always proud of, rather than threatened by, my achievements.
10) He is always frank with me and if I've been a twat he will tell me so. But only if I ask his opinion.
11) He makes the best fire of any man I've ever met, and collects birch sap from which to make his own wine.
12) All creatures love him, even houseflies and wasps.
13) Although he is a good climber, he is never anal about it; climbing comes second to life, and to me.
14) He never whines or nags (unlike me!)
15) He knows more about literature and the history of rock 'n' roll than I do.
16) He doesn't inflict Captain Beefheart, Frank Zappa or experimental jazz on me (in return for my not inflicting Enya on him.)
17) He's a sensitive lover. Also, he doesn't go soft and fall asleep after the first shag like most men.
18) He has a similar disregard and disrespect for the aquisition of money for its own sake as I.
19) He accepts and loves me and my children for ourselves.
20) He's kind, courteous and has a great sense of humour.
He is the most wonderful man I've ever met. I love you Brian.
© Jude Calvert-Toulmin 2009
If you have been involved in a fatal road crash and would like to tell your story for CRASH, a forthcoming non-fiction book, please contact Jude at Fleur De Lys Publishing. 19 commentsWhat next?
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Posts
Mon Jun 26, 02:39:00 PM BST
Nice to see the man behind the myth. Great you have found your life-partner. Thinking how one learns so much about onesself of relationships past that in part yours and his ex´s have made you who you are. Lot of struggle, lot of heartache but look at the two great people all that produced. Take care both of you. Pete
Mon Jun 26, 03:55:00 PM BST
> Thinking how one learns so much about onesself of relationships past that in part yours and his ex´s have made you who you are.
oh undoubtedly. if brian hadnt been through hell in his last marriage i doubt whether he would have had the patience of a saint that he has now. similarly, if i hadnt been so neglected and badly treated throughout my life by certain men then i wouldnt appreciate just how unusual a man brian is.
> Lot of struggle, lot of heartache
well, it sounds trite, but as they say, "no pain no gain"; i think thats often true.
> Take care both of you. Pete
you too pete and see you in a couple of weeks! x
Mon Jun 26, 04:09:00 PM BST
Brian lost his virginity at 18. I know. I was there.
Mon Jun 26, 04:30:00 PM BST
ooooh! are you the girl to whom he lost his virginity?!
Mon Jun 26, 05:02:00 PM BST
Er...maybe you need a warning at the top of the page! Nearly had my eye out!
Mon Jun 26, 05:05:00 PM BST
a warning about brians ex bushy moustache, or something else?
why would any part of a human body need a warning attached before viewing it?!!!
yours, dumfounded of woodseats, sheff.
ps unless youre kidding of course :)
Mon Jun 26, 05:08:00 PM BST
Well I think Brian looks well sexy. If I was a girl I'd shag him.
Mon Jun 26, 05:11:00 PM BST
> Well I think Brian looks well sexy.
mmmn. so do i! and so do quite a few blokes we know, LOL!
> If I was a girl I'd shag him.
yur, if i was a girl, so would i :)
Mon Jun 26, 05:15:00 PM BST
btw i believe youre not brian. according to my stats theres loads of people reading this atm and none of them are from sheff uni :)
you could be from romania, canada, alaska, doncaster, milton keynes, bbc leeds or bbc birmingham. ha ha ha ha ha! (general question: i get a lot of readers from milton keynes. is there a big ISP provider there or summat?)
Mon Jun 26, 10:34:00 PM BST
That full frontal. 70's porno star or what! Btw, that's nearly as big as mine Jude!
Tue Jun 27, 07:45:00 AM BST
> That full frontal. 70's porno star or what!
ha ha ha! actually, when i first got together with brian he had a collection of revolting 70s porn star briefs which gradually got replaced with M & S jockeys. mind you, my own underwear wasnt up to much either at the time!
> Btw, that's nearly as big as mine Jude!
ha ha ha ha ha! :)
(im not laughing at your todger, andy, just at the joke ;)
Tue Jun 27, 11:38:00 AM BST
Btw, that's nearly as big as mine Jude!
What, the catapult?
Tue Jun 27, 01:03:00 PM BST
Jude, Apart from being a Yorkshireman, Brian is one of the finest men I have ever met, someone I would never hesitate to trust with my life on the end of a rope. My life certaily is richer for meeting him, Im just poorer for living so far away I am not able to share him with you and all his adoring friends and family.
I do think hes got some of Denace the Menace about him tho
Jx
Tue Jun 27, 01:17:00 PM BST
> Jude, Apart from being a Yorkshireman, Brian is one of the finest men I have ever met, someone I would never hesitate to trust with my life on the end of a rope. My life certaily is richer for meeting him, Im just poorer for living so far away I am not able to share him with you and all his adoring friends and family.
thank you for that lovely post, J. one of the best judges of character i know is my son jasper, and he has always adored brian. i will be doing a blog entry soon with some more photos of brians garden landscaping project, including some of he and jasper making the mud pinacles which feature in the garden.
i often think brian is a saint for putting up with a nutter like me, but he says that i am a high maintenance thoroughbred racehorse who just needs the right handling, upon which he has in his life the finest racehorse in the world.
i guess thats a compliment!
last night, out the blue, he made me the most wonderful mackerel risotto and served it on a table he had covered with candles. ok he spent the rest of the evening watching footy whilst i was reading upstairs, but nevertheless, he is genuinely romantic when i least expect it.
hmmm maybe the candlelit dinner was his pass out to watch yet MORE footy ;)
hey, thats just reminded me! i havent posted a link to your excellent climbing blog, yet, j! i will sort that now!
anyone reading (and theres been bleeding dozens of you wanting to look at a pic of brians knob) then if you click on the "j" of j's post it will take you to his wonderful blog which i can highly recommend :)
thanks, j. luv jude xxx
Tue Jun 27, 01:33:00 PM BST
ok ive put a link up to your blog, now, j.
to anyone reading, heres a link to a lovely post j has made on his blog about the nature of "home".
http://step-into-the-sky.blogspot.com/2006/06/home-where-my-thoughts-escaping.html
he says: "Where is home for you? is it your parents old house? scene of many a happy memory from much earlier days? is it your house now? with your kids? is it a room in that house? a tree house back at the parents? a crag on some windsept hill somwhere? a quarry with damp green holds?
"To me home isnt a place, its a feeling. I feel home when im at my parents, its comforting, soft, easy, I feel safer than anywhere else. But I also feel this in the Lakes, or on pretty much any high hill, I feel its where I should be, I feel strangely in control, despite the overwhelming power of the elements around me.
"Home isnt where I lay my hat, its where I tread my soles, where I find my peace and my being."
please go over to his and make a comment in the comment sections, because j's is a fairly new blog and not too many people know about it yet! blogs take a lot of time and input to maintain, and i think a thoughtful blog like j's is well worth the time it takes to make a mouse click.
for all you climbers who are reading this, theres a lot of climbing content on the blog too...
Wed Jun 28, 08:40:00 AM BST
I feel for me, the secret to life is taking that "home" feeling with me wherever I go! Being very `here´& `now´ at ease with the people I am with and in the place where I am. That isn´t everyone vision of the world, but for me that always seems to be travelling "home" isn´t a fixed place. Where you find "home" don´t you take the feeling with you to remind yourself when away! Pete
Mon Jul 03, 11:43:00 AM BST
Reminds me, must make sure we have enough sausages for the barbeque.
Sat Jul 15, 12:36:00 PM BST
Hi Jude,
Check out the link below for my take on similar sentiments. Dang! Should have also added a top 20 reasons list. Oh well... :)
http://www.suby.shutterchance.com/photoblog/4584.htm
Brian sounds like a good man - I wish you many many many more years of happiness.
Sat Jul 15, 12:42:00 PM BST
http://www.suby.shutterchance.com/photoblog/4584.htm
thats lovely, sinem :)
> Dang! Should have also added a top 20 reasons list.
hey, lets be having them! :)
> Brian sounds like a good man - I wish you many many many more years of happiness.
he is one in a million, but more importantly, he is the one in a trillion that is right for me! :)